Manflesh of the Month: Ryan Gosling

 

Bryan Rosling*

How did it come to this? Here we are, unironically falling into the black hole of one of the world’s most obvious crushes, a well-established, conventionally attractive charmer under the age of fifty for fuck’s sake. Well, I will say, it is all Denis’ fault.

About a month ago, I found an interview about Blade Runner 2049 (2017) featuring the two handsome Canadians behind it: Villeneuve and Gosling. The article contained the following photo:

Are they flirting? my fangirl mind immediately asked. They look like they’re flirting. Denis looks FINE AF. They’re both cute as shit.

But that wasn’t all. Many more little evidences of their tandem adorability fed my obsession.

I shared my absurd daydreamy notion with my oldest friend in fangirling, who did not hesitate to water that slashy seed in my tiny brain and helped me raise it. Also, Denis kept mentioning in interviews that “Ryan is my muse.” Yes, Denis, please inadvertently feed my dreams in itty bitty ways.

But I hadn’t fallen for Ryan yet. Non, non, that took some weeks. 

He’s always been on my radar as “the Ryan I like” as opposed to the Reynolds version, who is just so “meh” to me on every level. Obviously, I knew the Gosling was talented and versatile and easy on the eyes, and he made for some really great GIF material over the years. I wasn’t familiar enough yet to get past his pretty face and see my favorite combination of qualities in an actor: talent, humor, and no vanity whatsoever.

My first encounter with Ryan was Lars and the Real Girl (2007). I’m pretty sure I saw it not long after it came out, and for while my only image of him was the dopey lovesick weirdo in that strangely endearing film about dating a sex doll.

Then I very clearly remember seeing Drive (2011) and thinking it was pretty great at the time. Stylized, moody, LA-noir AF, with a memorable synthwave soundtrack that perfectly underpinned Ryan’s taciturn character. It was a role that Steve McQueen could have done with both hands tied behind his back, and it’s astonishing how much of that same effortless screen idol coolness Ryan embodies. He rarely speaks in Drive. Nearly all the burden of his portrayal rests in his bearing, his most basic movements: a Mona Lisa smile, the tightening of a fist on the steering wheel, the flick of an eye in a rear view mirror. A rare and beautiful thing, that photogenie of a real movie star.

Fast forward to The Big Short (2015), which I definitely saw when it released but I completely forgot that he was in it. Then came Blade Runner 2049 which I couldn’t very well forget if I tried. That one impressed me, and I thought you know, this Ryan is damn good. 

A few years ago, I started watching Crazy Stupid Love (2011), but I couldn’t even finish it because it’s just not my thing. I did, however, note that Ryan was hilarious in it and he was my favorite part. 

Then came Barbie (2023) and I lusted after his amazing sunglasses for months afterward. That GIF of him reacting to the Golden Globe win for “I’m Just Ken” was priceless, and his sparkly pink Oscars performance was beyond brilliant. 

Still, no crush. Even with all that great hair.

Then one day, the almighty algorithm slammed me with a video of two guys dressed as Beavis and Butthead crashing the premiere of The Fall Guy (2024). I squinted. OMG is that… Ryan Gosling? I love that. I absolutely love him for doing that.

I was hit right in my crumple zone. 

He’s not my type was my personal refrain. He’s too pretty. He’s too damn popular. I just like him. Like I always have. 

Ultimately, I was faced with the thing that always seems to push me over the edge, the most common denominator of crush occurrences: the talk show appearance. Ryan went on The Late Show, delivered an excellent series of unique answers to Stephen’s “Colbert Questionert,” and I was done for.**

*HEAVY SIGH* It was a futile exercise to resist Ryan Gosling. He truly is just purely lovely. And he makes raspberry pies. From scratch. He even flutes the crusts. 

I gave myself permission to go ahead and watch some of his back catalog to make triple sure he was truly worthy of my attention. First Man (2018) was a pleasant surprise. How the hell did I not notice he played Neil Armstrong in a movie about the Space Race? That was a huge blind spot because normally that’s a film subject right down my street.

I checked out George Clooney’s Ides of March (2011), the tautly crafted political drama that gave me supreme nostalgic feels for a time when an adulterous sex scandal still had the power to destroy a presidential candidate. Ryan held his own in a stacked cast, and looked damn good doing it.

Then came the kicker: Shane Black’s The Nice Guys (2016). It’s a spiritual sequel to one of my personal favorites, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2005), and I hate that I hadn’t seen it until now because it’s one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time. Ryan and Russell Crowe are an unexpectedly perfect pairing as bumbling private detectives in 1970s Los Angeles trying to unravel a porn star murder plot that is somehow related to severe misdeeds in the Detroit automobile industry. Ryan’s character has a quick-witted and fearless tweenage daughter who steals every scene as she helps her dad solve the mystery. Their dynamic brings serious Ryan O’Neal/Tatum O’Neal Paper Moon energy and I’m totally living for it.

Then the other day I treated myself to a matinee date with myself by going to see David Leitch’s brand new love letter to the unsung movie stuntmen, The Fall Guy. This brought everything back around the block, since both Emily Blunt and Ryan worked with my dear Denis. Also, there are numerous Dune influences and a cameo by Jason Momoa at the end, so that did my heart good. For all its flaws—uneven pacing, awkward editing, overly long—it contained surprising multitudes. It not only had objectively amazing action sequences and stuntwork worthy of high praise, but it spoke to the state of big-budget Hollywood moviemaking writ large, criticizing its over-reliance on VFX (as opposed to practical SFX) and deepfake technology utilized solely for expedience and not craft. There was even an underlying theme about female filmmakers deserving more recognition for their role in the industry, as well as a genuine sentiment about the power of cinema and its influence on future film artists.

OMG those are some fantastic outfits I want them both

There’s that crumple zone again. 

So here we sit, entering summer with two whole delightful crushes at once. Because I am a ninja when it comes to fangirling. 

Welcome to the fold, Ryan. Your job is boyfriend.

*as Harrison Ford calls him

**Stephen: Apples or oranges? Ryan: Hmm, that’s tough. Because well, you know, oranges help with the scurvy of it all. And I do not want that again.